The hardest part of being with her is listening to her one-sided conversations. He is not interested anymore, but there were days when he just wanted to listen to her and look at her eyes when a multitude of expressions crossed her face. Now he does not look at her when she speaks, but nods or simply does a ‘hmm’.
“Why did I settle for this”, he thinks. He is still as attractive as when he was in college, and he knows it because even today morning in the subway a girl tried to flirt with him. He ignored. He knows he is in the brim, one day he might end up in a cramped apartment in a different neighbourhood, and one day he will get down at a different stop with a stranger. It is just a question of when.
Four Years Back
The day he saw her, he fell in love. He fell in love with her from a distance, a distance as long as the one that they have in their relationship right now. Fast forward few months and they were cuddling in a shaky bed in her rented apartment. They were in love, and they were living life to the fullest. Lots of sex in unusual places, lots of them. They were together all the time. They got married. They have a kid, Sam. Sam is autistic.
With all that is happening in his life, he knows that now is quite not the time to leave, to make a mistake that he will regret for the rest of his life. Is it okay to spend some more time with someone you can’t stand, just because you have an autistic child? How does it make things any better that he stays a bit longer? Will Sam's autism go away? Will she feel any better? Not that he had thought of any of these before, but he is not sure. He never is.
He hates to be with her, but he does not hate her. He loves her to the point that it would kill him if something is to happen to her. But he doesn’t want to spend time with her. He does not find her sexually attractive anymore. When he touches her skin it does not glide anymore, and when he runs his fingers through her hair it does not feel good anymore, because she is losing hair and her body is going through hormonal changes. But he? He still has flawless skin, six-pack abs, and perfect hair on which he spends almost an hour every day styling it. He is ageing well.
“Hey, John. Omg, you look amazing.”
This is something he gets every time he meets someone from his school or college. He likes to spend time looking at himself on mirrors, wherever they are, in the restaurants, airport lounges, shopping malls, everywhere. He is a good looking asshole. The fact that he knows that he is an asshole does not make him in any better.
He decides that it has to be today because next week is their anniversary and things can get awkward. He is dressed up for his work and is looking as sharp as always in business wear. She is trying to feed Sam. Sam likes to write backwards, and he is so good at it. It takes him just a few seconds to write something backwards.
John tells her that he needs to talk, but she does not suspect anything. She is in love. Or she is in denial. Her face still smiling, looking at him innocently and ready to hear whatever he has to say. When he tells her, she does not overreact. A drop, a single drop of tear rolls down her right cheek. Sam cries at this point of time for attention and she, without any hesitation, runs to attend him. She just had a significant moment in her life and she deserves some time for herself to process it, but she hesitates. She hesitates to take time for herself. She has completely forgotten to love herself.
John walks away, his otherwise perfectly straight posture is slightly bent with guilt. He knows he will regret if forever, but he also knows that he is an asshole. He loves her so much that it does not allow him to make her a subject of an illusion.
With all that is happening in his life, he knows that now is quite not the time to leave, to make a mistake that he will regret for the rest of his life. Is it okay to spend some more time with someone you can’t stand, just because you have an autistic child? How does it make things any better that he stays a bit longer? Will Sam's autism go away? Will she feel any better? Not that he had thought of any of these before, but he is not sure. He never is.
He hates to be with her, but he does not hate her. He loves her to the point that it would kill him if something is to happen to her. But he doesn’t want to spend time with her. He does not find her sexually attractive anymore. When he touches her skin it does not glide anymore, and when he runs his fingers through her hair it does not feel good anymore, because she is losing hair and her body is going through hormonal changes. But he? He still has flawless skin, six-pack abs, and perfect hair on which he spends almost an hour every day styling it. He is ageing well.
“Hey, John. Omg, you look amazing.”
This is something he gets every time he meets someone from his school or college. He likes to spend time looking at himself on mirrors, wherever they are, in the restaurants, airport lounges, shopping malls, everywhere. He is a good looking asshole. The fact that he knows that he is an asshole does not make him in any better.
He decides that it has to be today because next week is their anniversary and things can get awkward. He is dressed up for his work and is looking as sharp as always in business wear. She is trying to feed Sam. Sam likes to write backwards, and he is so good at it. It takes him just a few seconds to write something backwards.
John tells her that he needs to talk, but she does not suspect anything. She is in love. Or she is in denial. Her face still smiling, looking at him innocently and ready to hear whatever he has to say. When he tells her, she does not overreact. A drop, a single drop of tear rolls down her right cheek. Sam cries at this point of time for attention and she, without any hesitation, runs to attend him. She just had a significant moment in her life and she deserves some time for herself to process it, but she hesitates. She hesitates to take time for herself. She has completely forgotten to love herself.
John walks away, his otherwise perfectly straight posture is slightly bent with guilt. He knows he will regret if forever, but he also knows that he is an asshole. He loves her so much that it does not allow him to make her a subject of an illusion.
Originally posted on 'The New North' in Medium
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